On Friday Lindsay was able to leave the hospital, mostly on her own two feet, and head for home. At that point I turned the reigns to her blog over to her. So here I am, back again.
When I put up the post over there, saying that I would be coming back over here I got a lot of comments stating what a good sister I was for keeping up the blog and how close we must be and for some reason, of which I can't quite put my finger on, those comments bothered me.
Now I realize why people said them. And I realize that they are grateful that they were able to keep up on her progress but does it really make me a good sister? Isn't that just what a sister is supposed to do?
As for how close we are... I've been doing A LOT of thinking about this lately.
My sister and I are two years apart. Until I was about 22 years old I was convinced she was the spawn of Satan and I would hate her forever. My sister and I didn't just have fights. We had knock down, drag out, break things in the house by throwing them at my head (yeah... she did most of the throwing... she was bigger than me....) fights. The kind that make your parents want to lock you both in your rooms until you are 18 and then let you out only so you could gather your belongings and
go.
live.
somewhere.
else.
So many fights and so much ill will that I do not remember one single event of hers that I attended. She was in Volleyball, Basketball, and I think Track and Softball. Yet I didn't attend one single game. And right now, that makes me sad. I have gone to a few of my nieces softball games and was supposed to go to one of my nephews this weekend but was unable because of a wonderful stomach virus. Those 3 or 4 games I have attended of theirs are more than I ever attended of my own sisters.
Part of this, I can tell you right now is because of the life I was living and the choices I was making about babysitting my partner instead of living my own life. Part of this I can see as me taking back my own life but part of it was also this huge animosity that was between us.
I have several vivid memories of telling my parents that once I graduated high school I would never speak to her again.
And them in turn telling me that she was my sister and one day I would realize how much I love her and she would be the maid of honor in my wedding...
.
.
.
.
They were right....
.
.
.
.
Damn parents and their knowing things.....
I don't know when it changed. I don't know if it was over night or slowly but suddenly my sister and I just started talking like two normal people. She was the maid of honor in my wedding but she was also the pain in my ass when I was pregnant.
Then last year she got pregnant and she almost died after having Landen (oh yes... this is twice in one year... we have to have a discussion about this.....) and suddenly all of that crap between us didn't seem to matter any more. Suddenly all that mattered was that she was my sister.
Often over the last two weeks I have wondered, if I had found Al-anon sooner (I had been in a little over a year when Landen was born) would we have been close sooner? Did I stay away because I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't have time for anyone else? Or like so many other things in life did time just take time?
I may never know the answer to that but I can tell you that this accident has forever changed my view of my sister (she's a rock star by the way... all the new blogs on her site... typed by her... with ONE hand....).
We may not have been good sisters before but I think we will be much better sisters now!!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Welcome
***Scroll down for new posts... I'm leaving this one at the top for a week or so***
Yesterday I installed a Stat Counter on my Sister's web page. This morning when I got in it shows that she has had 534 hits since midnight. WOW!! That's all I have to say... WOW!! I can't believe the way the on-line community has really rallied around her. I know having all of them praying for her has been what has helped her to get this far in her recovery.
As is usually the case, some of the people from over there have followed me back here. So I just wanted to say a quick welcome to any of you who are new. Things around here have been kind of quiet as I've been pretty focused on Lindsay's recovery.
However, feel free to poke around at the old archives. Perhaps you will find something you like that will get you to come back, but if not, glad you stopped by and keep up the prayers for my sister. She needs all of them she can get.
For those of you regulars who read my boring drivel day in and day out... I'll be back in full force soon. Until then I'm going to leave this post on the top and post any new items just below it for about the next week or so.
Yesterday I installed a Stat Counter on my Sister's web page. This morning when I got in it shows that she has had 534 hits since midnight. WOW!! That's all I have to say... WOW!! I can't believe the way the on-line community has really rallied around her. I know having all of them praying for her has been what has helped her to get this far in her recovery.
As is usually the case, some of the people from over there have followed me back here. So I just wanted to say a quick welcome to any of you who are new. Things around here have been kind of quiet as I've been pretty focused on Lindsay's recovery.
However, feel free to poke around at the old archives. Perhaps you will find something you like that will get you to come back, but if not, glad you stopped by and keep up the prayers for my sister. She needs all of them she can get.
For those of you regulars who read my boring drivel day in and day out... I'll be back in full force soon. Until then I'm going to leave this post on the top and post any new items just below it for about the next week or so.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Friday Confessionals
I still, over two years after the worst of it, 4 months after the last of it, have flashbacks. Two years ago it was every single day, multiple times per day. 4 months ago it was at least once a day.
Now, sometimes I can go a full day, maybe two without thinking about any of it. Then for no apparent reason I will be driving along in the car and I will get "lost" in one. They hit me suddenly, sometimes without provocation and I'll be right back there in it. The panic attack usually follows.
People often think that when the situation is over it will go away. Like because he is gone I should be better. In fact several of them have asked why I continue to go to Al-anon. When I can go a week, a month without a flashback I will consider myself marginally better and possibly able to miss one of my meetings if I have something else to do.
When I can go a year.... I might consider myself better. It took me over 10 years to get here, I have a feeling it might take me just as long to get back.
Now, sometimes I can go a full day, maybe two without thinking about any of it. Then for no apparent reason I will be driving along in the car and I will get "lost" in one. They hit me suddenly, sometimes without provocation and I'll be right back there in it. The panic attack usually follows.
People often think that when the situation is over it will go away. Like because he is gone I should be better. In fact several of them have asked why I continue to go to Al-anon. When I can go a week, a month without a flashback I will consider myself marginally better and possibly able to miss one of my meetings if I have something else to do.
When I can go a year.... I might consider myself better. It took me over 10 years to get here, I have a feeling it might take me just as long to get back.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
More Prayers
At 4:36 am this morning my cousin and his girlfriend welcomed their first son into the world. Unfortunately their joy was quickly replaced with fear as they realized that little Camden is suffering from a bowel obstruction and has to be transferred to the Children's Hospital away from his mommy and daddy.
Your prayers have worked miracles for my sister. Please now, lift up this family in your prayers. The next few days could be very rough for them.
Your prayers have worked miracles for my sister. Please now, lift up this family in your prayers. The next few days could be very rough for them.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Helpless
Sometimes, without even knowing it, children can be very insightful. This weekend I took Zack to see Inny (this is what he has called my sister since he was very little). Zack knows that Inny has an owie on her belly and that's why she is in the hospital. While we were there he said to me:
"Inny has an owie on her belly... but I can't see it."
This is very much how I feel about my sister's recovery right now. Somewhere, Lindsay has an owie. I can't see it but it is still there. Still just as real as the one running up her stomach or the three on her arm.
Lindsay has been struggling for the past week. Trying so hard to fight against the depression and the anxiety that one feels when trying so hard to get better and yet continuing to feel pain. She wants to see improvements and while we can look back and see how far she has come, for her there is still just pain and daily struggle.
There's a part of me that wants to jump in there and tell her to get over it. Be grateful to be alive and be so thankful that God is not finished with her yet.
Then there is the other part of me that knows that doing that is not going to help her. I too have spent time in my own personal hell and no amount of screaming from the outside can get through to you until you are ready to fight for your life.
As I was waiting for the elevator after visiting her at noon I heard a woman on the phone. She was talking about God's plan. "I have my schedule in my head of how this should go and how I want it to go but in the end only God knows how it will go." A lot of times I think I loose sight of that. I am not in control.
As much as I want to get in there and fix her, make her walk, make her eat I can't. She has to do that for herself, in her own time and in God's own time. He saw fit to let her live through this and has brought her this far, he will bring her through it and my only job at this point is to support her.
.
.
.
.
And run clear across town for Chicken Noodle Soup when she needs it.
"Inny has an owie on her belly... but I can't see it."
This is very much how I feel about my sister's recovery right now. Somewhere, Lindsay has an owie. I can't see it but it is still there. Still just as real as the one running up her stomach or the three on her arm.
Lindsay has been struggling for the past week. Trying so hard to fight against the depression and the anxiety that one feels when trying so hard to get better and yet continuing to feel pain. She wants to see improvements and while we can look back and see how far she has come, for her there is still just pain and daily struggle.
There's a part of me that wants to jump in there and tell her to get over it. Be grateful to be alive and be so thankful that God is not finished with her yet.
Then there is the other part of me that knows that doing that is not going to help her. I too have spent time in my own personal hell and no amount of screaming from the outside can get through to you until you are ready to fight for your life.
As I was waiting for the elevator after visiting her at noon I heard a woman on the phone. She was talking about God's plan. "I have my schedule in my head of how this should go and how I want it to go but in the end only God knows how it will go." A lot of times I think I loose sight of that. I am not in control.
As much as I want to get in there and fix her, make her walk, make her eat I can't. She has to do that for herself, in her own time and in God's own time. He saw fit to let her live through this and has brought her this far, he will bring her through it and my only job at this point is to support her.
.
.
.
.
And run clear across town for Chicken Noodle Soup when she needs it.
Swimming with Zack
You may remember that a few weeks ago I put up a picture of Zack at swimming lessons. That face that he's making... he smiles that big from the moment I lower him into the pool at 6:30 until I take him out of the pool at 7:00. He LOVES to swim.
However, being 2 1/2 he is also fearless about the water. Let me set the stage for you. Swimming lesson #1 occurred right after his toddler class so he was pretty worn out. I thought all would be well. He listened to the teacher, he seemed to sit fairly still.
Swimming lesson #2 - June 22nd he started to bounce. Up and down up and down on the table they put in the water (so the kids can stand up). I'm sitting by the wall and I see him bounce... bounce.... gone. I jumped up really quick and rushed over to him as he was standing back up all smiles.
Let me ease your fears by saying that they all wear life jackets so I knew that even if he fell off of the table he would float... it would just be a matter of fishing him out. (This will be important to the story later.)
He, of course was unphased by the falling incident and didn't understand in the slightest why Mommy looked like she was going to have a heart attack.
Moving on... Swimming lesson #3 - June 24th. They are swimming out into the water to retrieve rubber ducks. The teacher would give them one, they would throw it and then she would help them to swim out and get it.
Zack has his turn. She turns to help another child and he is just standing there innocently on the edge of the table. Next thing I know he throws his duck and jumps.
He sinks like a rock.
Luckily the teacher is right there and as she turns around he is coming back to the surface and she grabs him and puts him back on the table.
Are you seeing a pattern here? It is at this point that I turn to one of the other parents and say, before all of this is over, I think I might be getting wet.
The second week of swimming lessons he did much better. He was listening and mostly following directions and above all... keeping his head above the water when the teacher was not around. Then the 4th of July happened and he had a week off from swimming lessons.
Cue last night.
I'm sitting by the wall and Zack is standing on the table. They had been practicing their swimming and he thought he would get in a little extra practice. He was doggie paddling along and the teacher was way out in the pool with another little girl.
He's swimming, he's smiling, he's swimming... he's gone.
AWW CRAP!!
I jump up along with two other Dad's (who complimented me on my quick reaction time...) and as I get to the edge of the pool I see him bobbing there. He's not really panicking, sort of just doggie paddling giving me this look like I'm kind of stuck can you help me out here?
So I lean down and fish him out. This time, just my pants are wet.... next time.... perhaps I should just wear my bathing suit!! :-)
However, being 2 1/2 he is also fearless about the water. Let me set the stage for you. Swimming lesson #1 occurred right after his toddler class so he was pretty worn out. I thought all would be well. He listened to the teacher, he seemed to sit fairly still.
Swimming lesson #2 - June 22nd he started to bounce. Up and down up and down on the table they put in the water (so the kids can stand up). I'm sitting by the wall and I see him bounce... bounce.... gone. I jumped up really quick and rushed over to him as he was standing back up all smiles.
Let me ease your fears by saying that they all wear life jackets so I knew that even if he fell off of the table he would float... it would just be a matter of fishing him out. (This will be important to the story later.)
He, of course was unphased by the falling incident and didn't understand in the slightest why Mommy looked like she was going to have a heart attack.
Moving on... Swimming lesson #3 - June 24th. They are swimming out into the water to retrieve rubber ducks. The teacher would give them one, they would throw it and then she would help them to swim out and get it.
Zack has his turn. She turns to help another child and he is just standing there innocently on the edge of the table. Next thing I know he throws his duck and jumps.
He sinks like a rock.
Luckily the teacher is right there and as she turns around he is coming back to the surface and she grabs him and puts him back on the table.
Are you seeing a pattern here? It is at this point that I turn to one of the other parents and say, before all of this is over, I think I might be getting wet.
The second week of swimming lessons he did much better. He was listening and mostly following directions and above all... keeping his head above the water when the teacher was not around. Then the 4th of July happened and he had a week off from swimming lessons.
Cue last night.
I'm sitting by the wall and Zack is standing on the table. They had been practicing their swimming and he thought he would get in a little extra practice. He was doggie paddling along and the teacher was way out in the pool with another little girl.
He's swimming, he's smiling, he's swimming... he's gone.
AWW CRAP!!
I jump up along with two other Dad's (who complimented me on my quick reaction time...) and as I get to the edge of the pool I see him bobbing there. He's not really panicking, sort of just doggie paddling giving me this look like I'm kind of stuck can you help me out here?
So I lean down and fish him out. This time, just my pants are wet.... next time.... perhaps I should just wear my bathing suit!! :-)
Thursday, July 09, 2009
So Close Yet So Far
8:17 pm
As I watched the clock click over to those magic numbers this evening my breath sort of caught in my chest. One week ago today at 8:17 pm my phone rang and my life as I know it changed. One week ago my baby sister, the one who I vowed to hate for ever but really will always love for all eternity almost died.
Even now, saying that out loud sounds unreal. Almost died? Really? Was she that close?
Yes... yes she really was.
Today has been a rough day for her. She wants things to move more quickly. She wants to be up and moving and walking and recovering because she hasn't looked back yet to see just how far she has come.
For me, as I was telling one of my co-workers today, she is a medical miracle. I want to run into her room and tell her, don't you know you are alive!! You lived and that, in and of it's self is something we didn't know if would happen last week.
But I can't. I have to understand that she is grieving too. She has lost a lot and endured a lot and for her, it all just started yesterday. We have had a week, she has had two days.
Yet still, I hope she can feel it. My love for her. Every one's love for her. We all know how far she has come. We measure her progress by the strides she has made, not by the ones she has left.
The past is gone, the future is uncertain but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.
Hold on to your good times Lindsay. You were given the present of today. You will get through this!!
As I watched the clock click over to those magic numbers this evening my breath sort of caught in my chest. One week ago today at 8:17 pm my phone rang and my life as I know it changed. One week ago my baby sister, the one who I vowed to hate for ever but really will always love for all eternity almost died.
Even now, saying that out loud sounds unreal. Almost died? Really? Was she that close?
Yes... yes she really was.
Today has been a rough day for her. She wants things to move more quickly. She wants to be up and moving and walking and recovering because she hasn't looked back yet to see just how far she has come.
For me, as I was telling one of my co-workers today, she is a medical miracle. I want to run into her room and tell her, don't you know you are alive!! You lived and that, in and of it's self is something we didn't know if would happen last week.
But I can't. I have to understand that she is grieving too. She has lost a lot and endured a lot and for her, it all just started yesterday. We have had a week, she has had two days.
Yet still, I hope she can feel it. My love for her. Every one's love for her. We all know how far she has come. We measure her progress by the strides she has made, not by the ones she has left.
The past is gone, the future is uncertain but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.
Hold on to your good times Lindsay. You were given the present of today. You will get through this!!
Waiting and Wondering
Today is my first day back at work. It is not going well. For 6 days my butt has been camped outside of her room or in her room. I was there for the doctor visits the nurse visits the updates if I wasn't in the room. I was in the loop. And God forbid there was a problem, I was there for that too.
Now, I'm here. My work is only 5 minutes from the hospital. I could be there if she needed me, but the fact of the matter is she probably doesn't. She was moved to a regular room yesterday. Her husband and one of my parents have been with her round the clock and will continue to be with her.
I'm just the sister. Yet I can't help feeling a bit lost today. I keep wanting to check the blog and then it dawns on me. I write the blog. There will be nothing new up there until I sit her down and teach her how to write on it herself and that will probably not be for another week or so. Preferably when she's on a bit less morphine. Although the state she was in when I saw her this morning might make for some interesting blogging!! :-)
So for now, I just have to trust that she is in good hands. I will go and check on her at lunch time and again tonight but at the end of the day, my baby sister isn't such a baby after all. She's been pretty tough through all of this. Probably stronger than I ever would have been and she's a fighter. I'm sure she will cross any hurdles that come up, even if I'm not there to stand behind her in case she falls.
If you want to keep following along her blog is:
www.butchsfight.com
Now, I'm here. My work is only 5 minutes from the hospital. I could be there if she needed me, but the fact of the matter is she probably doesn't. She was moved to a regular room yesterday. Her husband and one of my parents have been with her round the clock and will continue to be with her.
I'm just the sister. Yet I can't help feeling a bit lost today. I keep wanting to check the blog and then it dawns on me. I write the blog. There will be nothing new up there until I sit her down and teach her how to write on it herself and that will probably not be for another week or so. Preferably when she's on a bit less morphine. Although the state she was in when I saw her this morning might make for some interesting blogging!! :-)
So for now, I just have to trust that she is in good hands. I will go and check on her at lunch time and again tonight but at the end of the day, my baby sister isn't such a baby after all. She's been pretty tough through all of this. Probably stronger than I ever would have been and she's a fighter. I'm sure she will cross any hurdles that come up, even if I'm not there to stand behind her in case she falls.
If you want to keep following along her blog is:
www.butchsfight.com
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