Inbox Perusing

For your reading enjoyment this morning I present to you some of the actual contents of my inbox. Don't worry... if you are dying to get your hands on any of these I can forward them to you at no extra charge!! :-)

(And yes... I am spelling them and putting in the spaces, or lack there of, exactly as they came to me...)

• PlumpingShlongGilda
• PenisWide-rangingGeorgia
• Viiagra 50mg x 30 piils = 60.95
• Today think over your male organ size.
• Girls like when you have big male device
• The Dance of Love
• your wife/girl will SCREAMMM!! claim our 7-inchesPenis here
• Deep Discount Vicodin & Hydrocodone From Certified Pharmacy
• you can have a 7-inches longPenis, how to archive? read more here
• affordable prices rolex
• Re:Fwd:looking for meds?

Need I continue? Really... I opened up my inbox today and I had 45 messages. And only 4 of them were real messages. That's FORTY ONE spam messages in a 12 hour period. This is ridiculous!!

Who actually gets one of these e-mails and says YES... that is just what I have been waiting for!! I needed a rolex/oxycodone/7 inch schlong!! How did you know??

Am I the only one that has this problem? Perhaps inputting my name and e-mail into Ad*lt Friend Finder wasn't a good idea?? (Have you seen Because I Said So? Very cute movie by the way...)

Deja vu

I think I am having a moment of daja vu......

No wait....

Just my life...

Seriously, you totally want to be me right now don't you??

What?? Huh??

I have a blog? Really? Oh well... it's nice to see you again...

Things around here are really going alright. No major drama, which is exactly how I like tax season to be. Nice and quiet. It's quite the change from last year.

Anyhow, just wanted to pop in and say howdy. As you can see it is 6:15 and I'm at work and have been since a little before 6:00. Zack's got an appointment today to check his hearing again since last week his tube was clogged and he failed the test. I'm crossing my fingers that everything goes ok today.

Other than that, I'm off to do tax returns. I'll try to pop in here a couple of times a week but don't expect anything profound until April. Ok?? :-)

I believe

I received these in an e-mail and several of them spoke to me so I thought I would put them up here to share with you all. I hope you enjoy them too...

Thank You's

After a large birthday party it is usually customary to write out thank you's for the gifts you receive. Since Zack, as of yet although we are trying, can not write out the thank you's that job falls to me.

So... here we go...

Dear Julie-

Thank you so much for the power wheels four wheeler. It took all of 2 minutes for Zack to figure out how to push the button to make it go forward. However, at his age no one has been able to teach him the importance of stopping pushing the button before he hits something, like say a coffee table or a parent. The art of turning has also, as of yet, escaped him.

The bill for the furniture repair and the bruised shins will be on it's way shortly.

Sincerely,

Hobbling Heather

------------------------

Dear Shane & Jessica -

Thank you so much for the rocket ship that we have to pry Zack off of. He likes to push the buttons and he knows that it should move forward when his legs move. However, he was blessed with short little legs there by ensuring that he will not be able to touch the ground while sitting on the seat until he is 4 or 5.

So, in the mean time mom and dad have to bend down and or walk on our knees to make sure the rocket ship continues moving forward at a respectable pace to avoid the screaming.

Thank you so, so much for that joy that you brought into our lives. The chiropractic bill will be making it's way to you.

Sincerely,

Just Barely Walking Upright Jake

--------------------------------

Dear Tony & Vicki-

Thank you so much for the book that you purchased for Zack that plays music at a volume that would further deafen even an old man. Perhaps we forgot to mention to you that Zack now has his tubes in his ears and so he can hear just fine. (And while we're at it so can mom and dad... or at least we COULD before this book arrived.)

The bill for the family bonus pack of hearing aids should be arriving in your mailbox any day now!!

Sincerely,

Hard of Hearing Hamiltons

Sense of Loss

As you all know, my wonderful little boy turned one year old this weekend. (I'm not bias he really is the cutest, sweetest little boy in the whole wide world!! :-)

Anyhow, he turned one on Saturday and on Sunday we had the biggest party imaginable for a one year old!! There were friends and family and cake smashing (by Zack of course) and present opening.

But for all the fun that we had, there was one thing missing. Zack's PaPa. Right now my son is too young to understand this loss and so I am feeling it for him. Perhaps more than I should considering that Keith is my father-in-law but I have known him for so long that he feels very much like another father to me too.

I was exchanging e-mails with a good friend of mine about this today and I was telling her how at a loss for words I was about it. There are so many things that I wanted to say but I just didn't have the right words to fully express them. Right now there is an ache in my chest and my eyes are welling up with tears just thinking about my son, in five years, looking at me and saying, "Why doesn't Papa love me enough to come to my birthday party?" This is the hurt I feel for him.

So, instead, while I promised Keith I would keep his family off of this website I am breaking that promise because of the events of this weekend. However, since I am still not able to put into words what I'm feeling I am going to pull some things from several e-mails Jess has written to me.

There has been some family tension for a little while and she wanted me to post something awhile ago but I wouldn't. I feel now is an appropriate time. Neither she, nor I, are trying to personally attack anyone so please, keep any and all comments positive or they will be pulled down.

I fully realize that this “family” issue does not concern me directly however everyone has chosen to publicly dispute it allowing me and anyone else to state my/their opinions. This is in fact my opinion, if you don’t want to hear it, if there is a chance it will make you mad or hurt your feelings, if it’s possible you will feel left wanting to say mean things than please quit reading. I will state first and foremost that is not my intention on any part; it’s obvious that is the last thing you need right now.

Shortly before Shane and I were married we met Keith and Julie. They came to us in exactly the right time of our lives. For me they made a dream come true and reintroduced me to my imagination.

It was my childhood dream to have a horse, because of money and space I was never able to get one. It wasn’t because my parents didn’t try, they did; even buying me horse lessons every other Saturday – I think that is when I began counting days and weeks. It brought much joy to my life but was not the same as walking out my back door to my best friend and confidant as I have heard many horse owners say - an undying trust flowing both ways.

It is now several years later, Shane and I have been married five short years and Keith and Julie are no longer married. While both still play roles in our lives that role is different and more vivid in the past; if that makes sense. The relationship has traveled down many windy roads where I eventually found myself two great girl-friends. One whom I talk to everyday and one who tells me she loves me every time we get off the phone or conclude an email as if she has known me my whole life.

As many divorced people do: they date, remarry, their lives move on while their children find themselves standing still trying so desperately to catch up to the happy place their parents while no longer together have found. This is their story….Julie has moved on. Keith is remarried to his new wife and her four daughters (aka: “the girls” – I will get a gold medal when I can finally get their names all straight) and three granddaughters; welcoming them open armed into his house and life. That is what you do when you marry someone with children…you marry their children too – even if they are grown.

It’s my opinion as a bystander the one’s who have picked up the tab for this huge and significant change has been the biological children: Jake and Molly. Their parent’s suffered a less than amicable divorce, mother goes one way, and father goes another – adopting four new children who call him “dad”. Meanwhile Jake and Molly are stuck in a time warp locking them back to wrapping their arms and hearts around the divorce. A huge task in itself. At first everything was fine and a lot of feelings and hurt where submerged to spare their parents more pain. Now it is all catching up and boiling over. Jake feels like he has lost the father son bonding and Molly feels like she has lost her daddy. Naturally one might blame the new family whether they are to blame or not. In the midst of all this they have pointed fingers; name called, and blamed each other on blogs and my space pages.

I say enough is enough…I know it hurts. In a crazy sense it hurt me too. I know Keith says we are always welcome but it is different and unfortunately we don’t know Keith and Karen as well as we did Keith and Julie. It’s all just different….change….(sigh)

Without further ado - here is my message….

It seems to me as an outsider knowing all involved and having read all blogs, posts, and My Space pages; that you all want the same thing – For Keith to be happy.

Let me start with “the girls”: I think it is great that you have found a “father” in Keith and that you finally get to see your mother happy again after what probably seems like an eternity. In all your new found happiness it may help all involved to fully put yourself in Molly and Jakes shoes. I think calling Keith “dad” is a decision between you and Keith; however if you know it makes Molly uncomfortable that should be taken into consideration. Did anyone ask her how she would feel about it prior to assuming all would be fine with it? I am not saying you need her permission but the thought of compassion and consideration goes a long way. I can’t speak for Molls but I would think that had someone explained all this to her prior to this time she would have been flattered and open to the thought of gaining sisters and sharing her daddy. Spending several paragraphs telling her that Keith is your dad and you will call him that despite her feelings probably isn’t helping anyone and is only furthermore rubbing salt in open wounds. I don’t know if there is a solution to this where both parties “win”. I don’t think you need Molly or Jake’s permission to call Keith dad but wouldn’t it be nice?! I know if I were Molly it would be a nice gift for me to give; maybe she just wanted that chance!?

Onto Molly – You know I love you Molls; and your family. I will tell you what I told Heather – Keith and Julie were there for Shane and me at a time in our lives when we needed someone like them. They filled a gap and conquered a dream for me and for that I will forever be grateful. I love them both like parents. Can I call them mommy and daddy too? J Just a joke – breaking the tension! Moving right along….I often tell Heather when her and Jake get in a fight or she is frustrated with something – find the issue you really have and then fight for that. You all seem to be fighting about topics that make the real issue at hand worse. Again I am not trying to speak for you Molls but from where I am sitting it seems the issue is your dad, not Karen and not the girls. They may be a topic that worsens the issue. It is easier to be mad at them and blame them than it is your dad. Really though (and you don’t need to respond if you don’t want to) aren’t you mad that your dad doesn’t make time for you when you are home? That you don’t get to spend time alone with him while you are home? (Which the girls could help with I am sure) That he won’t return your calls and doesn’t make you feel like your feelings and thoughts are legitimate? Maybe if Karen knew how you felt she could help with this….I don’t know what the answer is Molly but keep trying. Keep calling, keep asking him to do things (maybe you have to specify just the two of you or just the three/four of you) don’t give up just yet. However make sure that in doing so you are not singling out or avoiding spending time with Karen and or the girls as they are a part of your dad’s life now. It is probably just as hard for them to change their ways of doing things when you come home and trying to accommodate you too, you may not see that or know it but I am sure at some level it is. Equal understanding would go a long way. I sympathize with you and I don’t envy the situation you are in one bit. I think they took a lot of things from you by not talking to you first and assuming it would not affect anyone: your bedroom, your house, your belongings and memories in a box, your dad etc. But now is the time when you decide to either be the bigger person, forgive them (even though they may not have know what they did – I truly believe when people know better they do better) and move past it or hold a grudge forever that could sadly hinder your relationship with your dad…and Molly he is YOUR daddy and always will be. He has enough love in his heart to go around. The only piece of constructive criticism I have for you is don’t let your feelings bottle up like you have. That is not fair to you or them. Maybe if you had told them all along the outcome would be different, you may never know, but you can change it for the future.

Hang in there Hon! Have pride knowing he is your dad and you are his baby girl. Find flattery in knowing the girls want what you have always had and compassion and understanding for what they have lost – a loss far greater. It could be a win, win situation for everyone involved. Remember – I am only a phone call away!!

And finally you Heather….

You are probably the best part I have found and taken from Keith and Julie. I only wish I had you in my life many years ago because there is no one I could imagine more than you standing by me as I marry my best friend. Just to think at first….well we won’t go there again! J

I know this has hurt you and Jake too. You have a beautiful son and through him the pain of this change has resurfaced. Yesterday - What a beautiful first birthday party for a handsome little man. I saw and know the pain you endured by not having his grandfather their. Count your blessing’s for those who made the effort and consider the rest to be the one’s who lost out. There are many of parents who would trade the shoes of a grandparent for even one day, one party, no matter what the past…mine being the first. Know that his grandmother and other grandparents can love him enough to make it up. You didn’t do this, you are not to blame, you and Jake can only do so much to assure love and memories for your son.

I will leave this for you Heather to do with it what you will. Post it on your blog or read it and discard it.

Love-

Jess

Thank you Jessica for always saying the right thing when I need to hear it. Thank you Molly for being another little sister to me and a WONDERFUL aunt to my son. Thank you Karen, Heidi, Niki, Tammy, Christy for accepting me and my family into your hearts as if we had been there all along.

I hope that somehow, some day all of this can be water under the bridge and Zack won't have to wonder why everyone can't all just get along because he will be able to look out into the audience during his school concert and see four grandparents and six aunts (Yes... Lindsay and Molly... you're coming back for this...) and all the uncles and cousins that love him and are cheering him on!!

One Year Later

Dear Zackary:

Today you turn one year old. Just thinking about this fact makes me all misty eyed. One year ago today you were just a thought, a hope and a wish. Now here we are one year later and you are an entire person. Completely separate from me with your own thoughts, your own opinions and your own hopes and wishes.

For as long as I live I will never forget the events of one year ago. The memories may fade a little, and the details may not be quite as clear but I will always remember that on that day my entire world changed forever.

You entered the world at 5:12 PM on January 12th weighing in at 8 lbs and 20 inches long and making your mama kind of misty eyed at your ability to form right into that even number thing I have such an issue with. Some day you will question why when I turn the TV up or down it is always to an even number but for now you can just nod and smile because if Elmo is singing you could care less at what volume.

Luckily for us you were a great sleeper right from the start. Over half of the pictures I have of you from the first couple of weeks are of you sleeping. At the time I did not know exactly how lucky we were that you slept for 4 hour stretches and began sleeping through the night at 4 months and have never looked back.

Now, after speaking to several people, I am absolutely in LOVE with the fact that you go to bed between 6:00 & 7:00 and we do not hear a peep from you until 6:00 - 7:00 the next morning. Somehow, deep down, you know that your mommy & daddy are just not middle of the night people and thank you so, so much for figuring that out quickly.

You have, from the beginning, been such an easy child to get along with. If you cry it is because you need something. Usually, food, milk, or sleep, or perhaps the kitty cat that you just finally were able to reach and then he ran away.

Since the beginning when you have smiled you have smiled with your whole face. Your excitement about things, like Cheetos and waffles and banging things on the hardwood floor, is right there in the open. You have never hidden it and looking at your face tells someone all they need to know about your current mood.

You are passionate about the things you love and just as passionate about the things you hate. Your belly laugh can light up a whole room and the things that you find funny continually amaze me. When you get really tired you get really giggly. I guess that is a wonderful thing when I think about the alternative.

In fact you are usually much more apt to smile or laugh than you are to whine or cry. Perhaps that's because when you whine I whine back. And when you cry, well here's a little secret I'll share with just you...I laugh. Usually it's either that or cry with you and laughing tends to make you just look at me like woman... I'm really upset about this... can't you see that??

For the most part you are such a joy to be around that people regularly volunteer to watch you. This is great for mommy and daddy because it allows us to go places and eat. Regular meals. Without having to worry about what you are throwing at the people in the next booth over, or whether or not you will decide that today is the day that you no longer like grilled cheese sandwiches.

You also love to go to both Grandma Carol's house and Grandma Julie's house because they have kittens. And right now, kittens are your favorite play toys. You bat at them, they bat at you and they don't run away like those big cats when you pull on their ears or on their tail. Actually, all things considered, you are very gentle with animals. You will stick out your hands and let them sniff you and then you will "pat" them. Usually very gently.

We really hope that you have acquired our love of animals because like it or not you will be living under a roof with cats and dogs at least for the next 18 or so years. Hopefully not 25. I love ya kid... but at some point you will have to spread those wings!! :-)

You have enriched our lives in ways that we never knew possible and we can not imagine our lives with out you. We have so many dreams and wishes for you but in the end we will love you no matter where your heart takes you. (As long as it's not to Brittney Spears because really.... need I say more??)

We really hope that your next 100 years are filled with as many smiles and bouts of laughter as your first year has. Your daddy and I love you with all of our hearts and soles. Every night when I get off work I can't wait to rush home and see you. I hope that never changes, even when you are a teenager and too cool for your mom.

Love always,

Your mommy

My Life

So... it's 11:00 PM and I'm at work.

I'm just getting ready to leave but have no fear, I shall return at the wonderful hour of 6:30 AM tomorrow.

Admit it, you are jealous... you want my life right??

Haunted

You know how sometimes you think you have left something behind you only to hear that song on the radio or smell that familiar smell and it is all right back there in your face? That has been my life lately.

It was about this time last year that the world started caving in around me. I started labor on January 8th. I was in L&D triage on the 8th, the 10th and the 12th. (To celebrate this momentous occasion my body has decided to greet this morning with cramps. I guess we all celebrate in our own way.)

What should have been one of the happiest moments of my life was instead clouded over by Jake's drug usage. He left me in the hospital the night Zack was born to go get high. He was gone most of the next day and showed up on Sunday long enough to take me home and then leave again.

It is hard for me to think of the joy of Zack's birth without also thinking about the other events that went on in my life at that time.

Right now it is tax season. I'm working long hours and driving home in the dark I sometimes get those old familiar feelings I had when I never knew what would greet me when I got home. For everything I know about, I'm sure there is a lot more that I don't.

Which I suppose brings me to my point. I was talking with a friend about when Jake does his 8th and 9th step which is making his list and making his amends. I have thought about it long and hard and come to the conclusion that I don't want to know.

Already I can not (Mother cover your eyes... on second thought skip down to the next paragraph. Really you will thank me later) be intimate with my husband without thinking about the girl in the hotel room. Every time we do something my mind races with did he do this with her, did he say that to her. It's maddening. I know he was high, I know he doesn't remember most of it, but it haunts me.

(Mom... you can start reading here again.....) In my opinion I am haunted enough by the things that I already know. Knowing more is only going to serve to hurt me further and make it harder to get past things.

Jake has made several steps towards making up for the lost time. He spends TONS of time with Zack (and me when I'm home... which is less and less right now). He is a WONDERFUL dad and a pretty great husband. (When he's not attempting to torture me with his noxious gases.....)

He is doing what he needs to do to show us that he is a better man and telling me things that I do not know is only going to make things worse. Not better. We both deserve better than that. We deserve to be able to move forward and stop dwelling on the past. I am trying really hard to get past all of the things I already know. I don't need anymore to dig through.

I just hope that some day, when it's dark outside, I will just think of driving home to the two people I love most instead of driving around looking for one of them in the dark.

The talking....

Oh the non-stop talking!! Hey, guess what we discovered? He is my son after all... he just couldn't hear well enough to follow in his mom's foot steps.

When we picked him up at 8:30 last night from my parents house he was babbling away. My mom said he felt so good he had NO interest in going to bed. He even hid his binkie from her so she wouldn't take him upstairs. (At Grandma's house if the binkie is in the mouth it means it's time for bed.)

Then this morning before I left for work he was babbling away and 20 minutes ago when I just called to ask Jake about something I left at home I could hear him in the background. I have no idea what he's saying but apparently it's important enough that he needs to let us all know about it!!

It just makes me smile. I'm so glad now that we got this done. Just seeing how happy he is now and how much he is "talking" to us lets me know that we absolutely made the right choice.

Surgery Update

Just a quick note to say the surgery went fine. He didn't cry when the nurse took him back and mommy did just fine too.

He was pretty upset when he woke up but they said that is to be expected. I just called my mom's to check on him and he was playing normally, ate a HUGE lunch and went down for a nap like all was good with the world.

The doctor made a point of stopping us to tell us how much "thick fluid" was in his ears and that his hearing should be greatly improved now. That made me feel much better and like we really did make the right choice to have this done.

Surgery

Tomorrow Zack has surgery to have tubes put in his ears. He has had an ear infection pretty much non-stop since October 1st. He just finished up his 5th round of antibiotics and while the infection is gone the fluid is not.

So, tubes it is.

All day I have been staring at my digital picture frame, that's what Jake got me for Christmas.... did I tell you that? Anyhow, I have it on my desk and loaded with Zack's pictures and I keep looking over and thinking they are going to put my baby to sleep tomorrow and I am SOO not okay with this.

I know that he will be fine. Every one keeps telling me it is like a 15 minute procedure and then he will be done but it still makes me very nervous. So think good thoughts for us will you? I'll post tomorrow when I make it to work to let you know how he did.

Song Advice

Ok ya'll. I need you to put your thinking hats on...

I'm making a video for Zack for his birthday and if you guys give me good ideas I just might post it here so ya'll can see it.... (incentive enough??) :-)

Right now I have:

Miracle - Celine Dion - Pictures of pregnancy, birthday, and him with Jake and I

My Precious One - Celine Dion - Pictures of him sleeping

Bubbly - Colbie Callet - Pictures of him smiling or pictures that make me smile

How do I Love You - Garth Brooks - Same as above

My Wish - Rascall Flatts - Random Pictures

I hope you Dance - Leanne Womak - Random Pictures

So what I have left are pictures of him with family and friends and I am STUMPED on a song. I listened to Don't forget to Remember by Carrie Underwood but it just wasn't what I'm looking for. I LOVE the song by Garth Brooks - Blood is Thicker than Water but I don't think it's exactly what I'm going for because these are, for the most part, his blood relatives.

So, short of we are family, where I break out the construction hats, I am stumped.

Can you help me out??